Page 1 Page 2 Page 3 Page 4 Page 5 Page 6 Page 7 Page 8 Page 9 Page 10 Page 11 Page 12 Page 13 Page 14 Page 15 Page 16 Page 17 Page 18 Page 19 Page 20 Page 21 Page 22 Page 23 Page 24 Page 25 Page 26 Page 27 Page 2812 BOCNEWS.com OCTOBER 2016 No More! It’s Sunday morning, time to pre- pare for church. I don’t particularly feel like going. I was up late due to a late night emotional battle with my husband who suffers from bi-polar disorder. We have good days but more bad days and last night was rough. I put on my Sunday best; all black is the attire as a licensed preacher on first Sunday. I feel as dark as the color I have on. But I must be in place by 10:45 to march in with the Stewards to sit in my rightful place. I drive to church with tears in my eyes trying to “release” before I walk through the doors of the church. I feel like I weigh 300 pounds due to the layers of garments (issues, stress, hurt, pain… drama) draped on me, my vision is blurred due to the well of tears, my mind is clouded with the replay of my husband’s tirade, my ears are on mute because all I hear is yell- ing and screaming, and as Thurman says I have the smell of life heavy on me. I walk into the church, paste on the smile making sure the one dim- ple is showing, and begin to serve…. Church is over and as I bid peace and blessings to fellow congregants. I now have 500 pounds of garments draped on me and the status all of my other senses have not changed. And now I have to go home and deal with my husband who may or may not be in a good mood. Domestic Violence According to PADV ~ Partnership Against Domestic Violence “Abuse is a pattern of hurtful and abusive behav- iors used by one partner to system- atically control and have power over another intimate partner. It is impor- tant to know that you do not deserve to be abused, nor are you responsible for the abuse.” (PADV.org) According to Nomore.org “Domestic Violence is a pattern of behavior used to establish power and control over another person through fear and intimidation, often including the threat or use of violence.” (Nomore.org) Hate is taught ~ violence is taught ~ abuse is taught: intentionally, uninten- tionally, consciously, subconsciously, unconsciously ~ these ills are taught on a national level, local level, personal level, and intimate level. And when one is submerged in the same type of thinking it becomes an ideology that manifests as a norm and even the vic- tim begins to think this is ok. Domestic violence was born out of this pandemic of violence. From 1619 to today, power has taught privileged human beings to steal, kill, and destroy in order to retain this false sense of power. We have been dehumanized, decultural- ized, demoralized, and desexualized through emasculation of our people by way of power. And as we heard in the earlier definitions, domestic violence is about power and control. It is this Power that glorifies a NFL player punching his then fiancée, knocking her unconscious, and then demonizing her for living out the real and true cycle of domestic violence. Power that causes men to live with internalized shame because Black men and men of color are already emascu- lated by society ~ then to add domes- tic violence on top of it is downright shameful and embarrassing. Because men are supposed to be able to stop a bullet, or a knife wielding partner, or can withstand psychological abuse and can’t possibly be victims of domes- tic violence. Power that says one must have power while the other do not. Power that beats someone into sub- mission. Power that abuses over and over and over again until one believes this is the norm. Power that has become an ideology of hate, degrada- tion, and humiliation. The next time you’re in a room with 6 people, think about this: ■ ■ 1 in 3 women and 1 in 4 men expe- rience violence from their partners in their lifetimes. ■ ■ 1 in 3 teens experience sexual or physical abuse or threats from a boyfriend or girlfriend in one year. ■ ■ 1 in 5 women are survivors of rape. (and yes there is a such thing as marital rape) ■ ■ 1 in 2 women and 1 in 5 men have experienced some form of sexual violence in their lives. ■ ■ 1 in 4 women and 1 in 6 men were sexually abused before the age of 18. ■ ■ Some warning signs include: ■ ■ Checking cell phones, emails or social networks without permis- sion ■ ■ Extreme jealousy or insecurity ■ ■ Constant belittling or put-downs ■ ■ Explosive temper ■ ■ Isolation from family and friends ■ ■ Making false accusations ■ ■ Erratic mood swings ■ ■ Physically inflicting pain or hurt in any way ■ ■ Possessiveness ■ ■ Telling someone what to do ■ ■ Repeatedly pressuring someone to have sex *** Our silence, church, is hurting and at times killing our sisters and broth- ers. The guilt and shame is eating us alive ~ destroying our minds, bodies, and souls. The challenge with this epidemic is the internalized shame as well as the external ignorance and judgment that comes along with it. You cannot identify a victim just by the way she/he looks. You cannot say she/ he is too smart, strong, beautiful, and handsome… to be a victim. You cannot say she/he cannot be a victim because I never saw a black eye or bruises. Oh she/he seems to love their partner so much ~ she/he always calls, is always around, always right there… they can- not be in a domestic violence relation- ship.*** My story Moving from victim to survivor is difficult. On average, it takes a victim seven times to leave before staying away for good. Exiting the relationship is a most unsafe time for a victim. As the abuser senses that they’re losing power, they will often act in dangerous ways to regain control over their vic- tim. And once you have safely become a survivor, one must learn to deal with the remnant of physical, mental, social, spiritual effects, and residual memories: When I see the scar on my hand When I walk down the stairs (I envi- sion him waiting in the cut like he used to) When I see someone with his body type When a strange number calls my phone When I see a 678 number When I am going home alone I con- tinue to remain alert and watch my surroundings I don't answer blocked calls The list could go on and on... One of the biggest challenges is preaching on this particular Sunday. Being transparent and vulnerable in front of hundreds of people is not an easy assignment. It becomes further complicated because one has to truly rely on G-d to speak to the masses including the perpetrator or abuser as well as the victim and survivor. Without judgement, it is through our stories we raise consciousness and awareness by exposing the truth that prayerfully will lead to healing, deliver- ance, and transformation. Many of you know I am a survivor of domestic violence; but, growing up, I have never witnessed domestic vio- lence. Not from my parents, grandpar- ents, immediate family members. I saw violent acts in my family and my com- munity but nothing labeled as domes- tic violence. There were no patterns of abuse for control and power. So when I was in a domestic violent marriage, contrary to popular belief, I did not know I was in one. I made excuses for my then husband. I didn’t know. I blamed it on the drugs, his bi-polar disorder, questioned whether he was on or off his meds ~ I blamed stress after my miscarriage (just to name a few excuses.) I wanted to change him, help him, and heal him. I loved him! He was my husband. I turned to the scriptures for help. I read the scriptures that said a woman is bound to her husband as long as she lives (I said oh no, I’ve got to fix this ~ I can’t live in this hell forever!) ~ Then, I read another scripture that actually says G-d hates divorce ~ what was I to do? I love G-d and didn’t want to disappoint G-d. I didn’t know about cycles of abuse: tension building, the incident, reconciliation or forgiveness, calm ~ Only to return to tension build- ing, the incident, reconciliation or for- giveness, calm ~ only to return… I did not know about domestic vio- lence and the cycles until I was sitting in my Pastoral Care class in seminary. My professor Rev. Dr. Carolyn McCrary invited a guest to speak with us about domestic violence, the awareness and the pastoral care of it. I sat, listened, visualized me in the midst of his teaching, and realized I am a victim of domestic violence. I cried right there in the middle of class. My class rallied around me, prayed for and with me while my then husband was waiting for me in the on campus apartment. From that point on, in summary, it was a yearlong struggle with court dates ~ being escorted everywhere I went because he was always lurking in some dark corner waiting for me to be alone ~ he moved right across the street from campus ~ I had to move off campus and hide my car ~ I had the security guards, stewards and trustees keep a picture of him in the event he followed me to church ~ missed my daughter’s baby shower in NY because he sent a message that he was back in NY and would be waiting for me. I finally pressed charges and it was time to appear in court. My mother in ministry Rev. Carolyn Habersham was with me. As I was sitting in front of the judge, I was facing her on her right and my abuser was on across from me on her left. The judge gave specific instruc- tions: do not talk to each other ~ address your comments and concerns to me. What does he do? He talks to me the entire time. He is in his orange jumpsuit with handcuffs and shackles, looking at me and talking to me. The judge does nothing. The court officer does nothing. As a matter of fact, I was further vic- timized the entire time. Fast forward, Continued on Page 14 By Rev. Tawana Davis Tawana Davis I sat, listened, visualized me in the midst of his teaching, and realized I am a victim of domestic violence. I cried right there in the middle of class. TESTIMONY