I Almost Let Go

By Linda Small-Sadler

There have been events in my life that left me heartbroken. Although I realize that God is Almighty and there is nothing He cannot do, at times I have allowed the problems, the sorrows, the loss of love ones, the injuries or sickness or disappointment to be more powerful than my God is.

In the article I wrote on “When I think of God’s Grace” I shared with the readers a time in my life of ungodly behavior, addiction, a death attempt by the man who robbed me and shot me, losing my brother who died of an overdose of cocaine and lack of faith in Jesus.

The best learning experience was and is a test of Faith in Jesus and His ability to do any and All things well. I talked about my addiction, being robbed and shot six times and left for dead. I talked about my brother dying from an overdose of cocaine after he promised me he would always be there to protect me. I gave the victory report and a good outline of my deliverance by my Saviour.

\However the article on “When I think of God’s Grace” was one message of many message and that is where I pick up with you today.
When I lost my brother through a drug overdose, eventually I healed as much as any one can from such a loss. Before I would have complete victory, I would suffer even more.

When my family members from Denver and I went to my brother’s funeral, we drove there. On the way me and my family members in the car stop often to get high. I snorted cocaine and the others smoked crack cocaine and had to pull over several time to do so. Because of this we got too high and got lost.

By the time we finally made it to Louisiana the family had buried my brother. So my family members and me who drove never got a chance to say a proper goodbye. I wanted to lay down and die. I felt no closure and that this was all my fault.

When I got to my mother’s home, I was crying and so upset. I was so angry with God and for a moment I wanted nothing to do with God. I blamed everything on God and nothing on the family members and me from Denver.

When we came back to Denver my brother’s estate was settle and we all got money. The first thing I thought of was more money to get high with.

After I lost my brother through the drug overdose, I eventually lost my home. Because of the sin of addiction I stop making the payments on the house and all of the other bills as well. Some of my brothers moved in with me and through all of the getting high and other bad choices, I was forced to move out of the house.

Not only had I lost my brother, now I was homeless. Where was God now, I asked.
So we all moved to a motel on Colorado Boulevard, which was infested with roaches and mold, and then we all moved to a nicer motel called Sand and Sage on Colfax Avenue.

With the little money I had let I bought the food and paid the rent. I had a Doberman at this time. I loved that dog. After a period of time passed, I ran out of money. I couldn’t even make a phone call. So I started to sell my furniture and TV’s and my electrical appliances.

By then, just as as quickly as I became addicted to drugs I lost interest and never had the desire to do drugs again. Little did I know that God was my private drug counselor and deliverer. I didn’t ask to be freed from drug addiction but God knew it would kill me soon, so He step in and chose for me. Praise God! After my brothers moved out of the motel, I spent all of the money I had paying the motel bill and buying food.

As time passed I did not know where any of my Denver family member were. I did not know if they were alive or dead. I worried about them but had no resources to track them down. My heart was breaking.
I couldn’t call my mother because I didn’t want her to worry. She was poor so she couldn’t help me financially. But my mother was a woman of faith and a praying woman and she did pray for her children always. In all truth I was so broke and had no money to call her even if I chose to call her. Back in those day a phone call was only a dime. I did not have a dime to my name.

Have you ever heard the song by Yolanda Adams, I got the Victory in Jesus? I listen to that song every morning, 7 days a week during the time I have my devotion hours with Jesus. That song is my victory song. It says:

I got the sweet, sweet victory in Jesus yes I do, He is a mighty conqueror
In Him I will trust all my battle’s He’ll fight. I got, the victory I got the sweet, sweet victory in Jesus. For me He died but He rose on the third day that’s why I have true victory everyday!

This verse is my testimony, It sings, Truly I been through the storm and rain
I know everything about heartache and pain, but God carried me through it all.
Without His protection I’d surely fall, I’ve been broke without a dime to my name but all my bills got paid ‘cause I called on Jesus name, You can’t tell me that God isn’t real ‘cause, I got the victory and that’s why I’m still here.
I worship The Lord, everyday for the victory in Jesus. There is no way I can wait for Bible studies or Sunday worship. I worship The Lord, everyday for the victory in Jesus.

I got the courage to go to the motel owner and tell them I had no money for rent. Instead of kicking me out of the motel, they told me about the Catholic community center and how they have helped others pay their rent.

I went down to the Catholic community center and told my story and they gave me enough money to pay rent for one month. I was also able to get clothes and food from the Catholic community center as well.

Then after that month passed, I ran out of money again. I had to move out. I was able to get my deposit back which was 30 dollars.

After I ran out of money and had sold everything I owned. I remember a calm coming over me that I could not completely comprehend. However, I began casing the neighborhood around the motel I lived in to prepare for homelessness.

I found a gas station a few blocks down the street from me. It was very well kept so I plan to go there daily to wash up when I became homeless. I drove around in that same neighborhood to find a place where I could park my car at night and me and my dog could sleep in my car undisturbed. Although all of my money was gone, I felt a peace come over me like I had not experience before. I was not sure what was going to happen to me but I felt God’s Presence and right then, I wasn’t quite sure how, but I knew everything would be all right.

I heard a voice say, you have not because you ask not. Then there was that calm again that past over me that was beyond comprehension or description. Right then I did not know for sure what God would do but I was not afraid. I knew He was going to work it out somehow.
I drove all the way from east Colfax to west Colfax looking for a cheap motel room that I could stay in and keep my dog with me.

Keep in mind I had just lost my brother a few of months ago. Instead of blaming God for my situation, I put my trust in God for all of my problems.
I could not understand how I could have so much peace, not knowing where I was going to live, but I did feel peace, great peace.

Finally I took some ownership for my present condition. At times of weakness, I mourned my brother and I just wanted to die. I wanted to go and be with my brother. But God said no.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future (Jeremiah 29:11). God did not tell me the plans right away, but now I know what those plans are for me. Plans for me to be a witness for Him. To share what He has done for me so others will know that He can and will do the same thing for them.

I moved into another motel down the street called the Sheperd Motel. I had enough money to pay for 2 or 3 days rent.

Then I decided to call the pastor of the church that I belong to and he told me about a member of our church who had a janitorial service. I called him and he told me that the lady who works for him was going out of town for a vacation. He paid me $5 an hour. Although the job was only for one week, I was so grateful. I thought one day at a time.

The women who was suppose to come back to work for the deacon found a better paying job so I was now a full time janitor. Then my car broke down and I thought 1-step forward and 3 steps back. Now I had no transportation to get to work! Now here comes God again…There was a man who lived at the motel with an older woman, I’m guessing a relative.

This man saw me standing outside and he asks if he could help me. I told him that I did not have any money. He examined my engine, etc. and reported that the radiator fluid was leaking into the engine. He told me the parts to go and purchase and said that I did not have to worry about paying him for repairs on my car. He said just promise me this, when you see someone in trouble, help him or her and in this, you pass on the Blessing I am giving you today. At that moment I knew that God was all over this man and that God was going to work it out for me.

I flushed my pride down the toilet and called an old friend and told him of my plight. He told me to call the administrator of the place I worked for, where I left without notice and ask her if they had any opening.

Praise God the administrator said yes. So now I have a car that runs, a seasonal job with Social Services and I could move into a house soon. Now I had more than enough because Jesus was and is my portion (Lamentations 3:vs 22-25 & Psalm 16:5).

I almost gave up. I was right on the verge of a breakthrough but I couldn’t see it. Satan thought he had me but Jesus said, No! And Jesus grabbed me and held me close to Him so I would not let go. Praise God for being a God of another chance. God is a good God. All you have to do is call on Him, trust, seek His counsel and obey Him. Then you too will find out that God is more than enough and then you won’t let go.
If you are going through something today and you feel you cannot make it on your own, you are correct. In Matthew 19 verse 26 it reads, But Jesus beheld them, and said unto them, With men this is impossible; but with God all things are possible.

Whether you are having problems with your health, an unfaithful spouse, unruly children, a negative diagnosis, fasley accused, God is able to work it out for you. Remember that God loves you more than any one you know and He has plans for you. However sometimes we must go through trials and tribulations.

Remember this, God is the same God that brought you throught the last trial or hurt and He will work it out again and again. God is a God of another chance. But it will be in His timing not our timing. Remember that God changest not. Verification of this scripture is found in Numbers 23:19: “God is not a man that He should lie; neither the son of man, that He should repent: hath He said, and shall He not do it? Or hath He spoken, and shall He not make it good? Remember if you are sad, suffering or in need of comfort, Joy comes in the morning light (Psalms 30 v 5 King James Version).
There were times when I almost gave up. I can imagine satan thinking, she is mine now. But Jesus said No! Then Jesus came and grabbed me and held me close so I couldn’t let go…

Remember that no matter what you are going through right now, whether it is sickness, doubt, fear, lack of faith, addiction, unemployment, hunger, homelessness, etc…God will be victorious in your life.

In the book of Matthew 6: verses 24b to 33 it reads, Therefore I say unto you, Take no thought for your life, what ye shall eat, or what ye shall drink; nor yet for your body, what ye shall put on. Is not the life more than meat, and the body than raiment?
Behold the fowls of the air: for they sow not, neither do they reap, nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feedeth them. Are ye not much better than they?
Don’t concern yourself about unimportant matters of man. God said, “I will be like the dew to Israel” (Hosea 14:5). This is a reminder that God’s blessing is also meant for His entire creation. Just as there is dew on even the tiniest blade of grass so God’s blessing will rest upon everyone of His children from the most important to the least important, from the largest to the smallest, from the oldest to the youngest, from the wisest to less than wisest.

In Matthew 6 verses 28-34 it reads, And why take ye thought for raiment (clothing)? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow; they toil not, neither do they spin: And yet I say unto you, That even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. Remember Solomon was very wealthy (1 KINGS 4).

Wherefore, if God so clothe the grass of the field, which today is, and tomorrow is cast into the oven, shall He not much more clothe you, O ye of little faith?

The Lord said, Therefore take no thought, saying What shall we eat? or, What shall we drink? or, Wherewithal shall we be clothed?

For after all these things do the Gentiles seek: for your heavenly Father knoweth that ye have need of all these things.

But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and His righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.

Take therefore no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take thought for things of itself.

When I thought about what God had already done for me, I heard Him say, I am the God of Abraham, Jacob and Linda Small-Sadler. I am the Same God who brought you through the attempt on your life, and I will do even more wonders for you now that you have shown me that you believe in Me and trust me in all matters. Praise God for the Father, Son and Holy Spirit. Show God you trust Him and He will show you that He is God.

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